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These are the things I’ve found to be true, with my vast experience of three boyfriends and 22 years on this earth. I say ‘him’ and ‘guy’ and ‘man’ because I happen to be straight, but feel free to change these words and others to fit whatever kind of love you’re living. These are also just my theories so far – maybe I’ll change them as I get older. Even so, I wish I could sit down with myself at 16 or 17 and had a little chat.

Him

You have to find the right guy to find the right guy, right? Not just a guy. Most people have a list of positives and negatives they look for in a man which might involve things like ‘doesn’t have sex with other people’ or ‘has abs.’ But I’ve found that most of the preferences on these lists are basic attributes rather than the deeper traits that cause these attributes. Behaviors and appearance can, and will, change. If you want to be with someone, you need to step back and ask yourself if you really love him, or his attributes.

Self-esteem.

I put this first because I find it to be the single most important thing to any sort of mentally healthy person, not just dating-material. There is a difference between self-esteem and arrogance as well; oftentimes people who are aggressively arrogant or confident in themselves are using this as a defense mechanism to hide their insecurities. Self-esteem isn’t about having no insecurities – it’s about dealing with them in a mature way.

A man with high self-esteem is relaxed in his confidence. He doesn’t have to prove himself to anyone but himself, and he often has a personal standard against which he measures his actions and successes. He doesn’t let winning or losing get to him very much regardless of how competitive he may be. He’s never going to reveal an inability to make large decisions, or an inability to let you make large decisions. He’s unlikely to get defensive when questioned or criticized, and he’s able to learn from his mistakes because self-esteem often comes hand-in-hand with self-awareness. He will never feel threatened by your accomplishments. And he will never, ever, end up in the same apartment in the same small town till he’s 30 only interrupting his nightly video-game binge for a snack and cigarette run then sleeping all day.

It’s my personal theory that all problems can be traced to insecurity and fear of those insecurities being exposed. Good self-esteem is the ability to be voluntarily vulnerable. And it is rare, and it is priceless.

Now an axe murderer can also have good self-esteem, so obviously this isn’t everything. But without it, there will be inevitable, and possibly insurmountable, problems.

Kindness.

This is the anti-axe murderer trait, and it doesn’t mean he has to go volunteer at a homeless shelter or hand-feed lost baby raccoons (which are adorable, by the way, and will also destroy all your shit). But kindness in a man with high self-esteem is safety. If deep down you are confident he would help a stranger in need or not hurt someone to get what he wants even though he could, simply because he needs to and wants to and not because he is attempting to present himself in a certain way, then you have found someone trustworthy.

There are many kind men with low self-esteem, but fear can make the best person an animal in the right situation, and while you may be able to trust this sort of man not to hurt you deeply, I don’t think you can trust him not to hurt you.

Respect.

This is unique to you, because some people respect things another person wouldn’t. You’re in to the businessman-type? Then you respect professional progress and respect from peers (probably also like how he looks in a suit …mmmmm suit). Like the artistic types? Then you probably respect expressiveness and his ability to devote himself to his passion. You think parkour is just the best thing ever, not just because that kind of agility is sexy, but because you respect the dedication and effort and reckless courage it takes to do it well. Whatever it is, you respect him.

Lack of respect is the death of connection. Find a man who embodies the characteristics you respect, and not a man who embodies characteristics you think you want or other people want. You like a guy who cleans? Then find one who strives for self-improvement, regardless of whether or not he cleans. And if having abs, or being a good singer, or having black hair and green eyes are at the top of your list then, well… maybe you’re not ready for a relationship.

Passion.

Passion is very closely linked to respect for me. Find a man who doesn’t just enjoy things, but who has passion and goals related to his passion. If he just wants to build the best most beautiful miniature boat in a bottle that he is capable of building – then hell yeah go build that tiny boat man! There is a huge amount of people floating around without passion. Don’t let the man you choose be one of them. Lack of passion can be testament to lack of self-esteem, and lack of passion means for me, no matter how I fight against it, lack of respect. And no man deserves to have a woman who doesn’t respect him.

You

So you’ve found someone not just that has passion and self-esteem, who is kind and you can’t help but respect, but you’ve also fallen in love. Now comes the most important part.

Respect.

Yep, again. He has to respect you. He has to take your passions seriously. He is supportive of your good ideas and talks to you about your bad ones. He both tells you when your skirt is too short and when you look particularly beautiful. He tries the things you suggest. He never rolls his eyes, interrupts you when you talk, or has to be drug to meet the girlfriends. Whatever it is that you are, your unique passions and abilities, he respects, whether you want to be CEO someday or ‘mom.’

Love.

The way I described respect, I guess you could confuse that with love. But love isn’t that easy to define. Love is a magic floating ball of madness and makes your whole being hum with no warning and no control when he is near, or when you think about him, or when you remember he exists (not that you’d ever forget). Love is what makes you respect something you may have specifically thought was stupid before. Love is what transcends a wonderful friend into… well, your love.

And you have to love your man! He can’t just fit into a perfect idea of what you think you want or what you’ve always imagined you should have. Trust me, I’ve been there. And I was wrong. And some women get married to these perfect men that, despite being perfect, they don’t love. I can’t say that they’re unhappy or they made a mistake, but I couldn’t live like that.

The awe-inspiring Joan Harris from Mad Men played by Christina Hendricks.

On the other side, a word of caution: love is not enough. If he is capable of cruelty; if he is defensive and frightened; if he has no passion; if he does not respect you – then love is not enough. Mutual love is a precious and transformative power that must be cherished and nurtured. But if your relationship is hanging on your love, and your love alone – then it is not enough, no matter how strong, and it never, ever will be.

You have to ask yourself – are you mistaking respect for love? Are you mistaking having someone to tell his secrets to, for love? Are you mistaking someone to have sex with, or do the dishes with, or do fun things with, for love? Because it’s not. And you know it isn’t – and someday, you’ll know what love is, and you’ll wonder how you ever thought those other things meant he loved you.

Passion.

This doesn’t really have anything to do with relationships, and also everything to do with everything. When a Greek died, they didn’t give an obituary – they only asked did he live with passion? Ask yourself this question, and if you can’t answer right away, with confidence, then you need to figure your shit out. Because you only have one life to live and not doing what fulfills you is not worth it. You are more capable than you realize. Life is less structured than you realize. You are free to live the life you’ve always dreamed of. Find what makes you happy, and then do it.

Perspective.

If you find someone you think you respect, and you think you love, step back and really ask yourself is he the best, or is he the best so far? Be ruthless. Are you dismissing the things about him you don’t respect and purposefully playing up the things you like? Are you convincing yourself that he needs you, that you are the only one who can help him fix his problems? Have you ever made an excuse for him? Are you settling for less than the best you can imagine?

If you’re imagining a man who has self-esteem, kindness, passion, and respects and loves you, I am telling you right now – he exists. He may not look the way you imagined, or do the same things the way you imagined, or be in the same town as you are right now – but he is out there and if you don’t give up you will find him. That’s it. You just will. He could even end up being Ukrainian and two years younger than you. Who knows? The point is, if you settle for less then you will never find better – but if you keep looking, at least there’s a chance. Do not close yourself off to every other wonderful possibility and twist of fate that you can’t yet see.